The Best Advice for Better Sex: Sensate Focus
Welcome to the Sensate Health blog! While I am a physician, this blog is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or a doctor-patient relationship. Please see your healthcare provider for any medical concerns.
If you’ve ever spent any amount of time on the internet, which is a safe assumption since you’re reading this article, you’ve probably seen various claims on how to have better sex. The advice tends to include variations on the same few themes - do more foreplay, add more novelty, try this new move - and often it involves trying to sell you something like exotic lubes, sex toys, or enhancement pills with dubious ingredients. But few people have heard the advice that many sex therapists and sexual health specialists like myself recommend the most - an exercise called sensate focus.
Introduction to Sensate Focus
Developed by the Masters and Johnson research duo in the 1960’s, sensate focus is a systematic desensitization technique that rewires our tendency to be goal-oriented during sex (and therefore prone to pressure and performance anxiety) and instead teaches us to be more mindful so that we can be fully immersed in our sensations. Trying to force your body to have a certain response, like getting an erection or having an orgasm, actually makes those experiences more difficult. If you’ve ever tried to force yourself to go to sleep when you couldn’t, you probably understand what I mean. The irony of removing pleasure as the goal is that pleasure becomes more likely to happen.
Perhaps you can see why you haven’t read about this in your favorite sexy magazine. This isn’t about “better” sex in the sense that it’s performative and would look good on film; it’s more about changing the way you approach intimacy psychologically. If you’re still with me, you’re in luck because sensate focus has been reported as an effective treatment for numerous sexual concerns including orgasm difficulties, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and desire discrepancies. Let’s dive into the details of this exercise so you can try it at home.
Sensate Focus Principles
Sensate focus is a touching exercise that consists of touching your partner while paying attention to three different sensations: temperature (warm or cold), pressure (firm or light), and texture (smooth or rough). In their book Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual, Linda Weiner and Constance Avery-Clark share three attitudes that are central to sensate focus:
Touch for yourself, not for your partner
Touch for interest rather than arousal or pleasure
Identify and manage distractions by returning your focus to temperature, pressure, and texture
Now you might be thinking, “Well, this sounds selfish. How am I supposed to please my partner if I’m only focused on myself?” If you give this a try, I think you’ll find that being fully present creates a much more mutually enjoyable experience than “spectatoring,” which is analyzing your performance in the moment with questions like “Am I doing this right?” Worrying about our performance can paradoxically make us seem more self-absorbed than simply being in the moment.
Setting the Scene
Set aside about half an hour for sensate focus two to three times per week at a time of day when you’re not too tired. It’s important that the session last long enough to give you practice in managing distractions but not so long that you become bored or sleepy - just go with the flow and don’t watch the clock. Make sure to have pets out of the bedroom before you begin, and lock the door if you have kids or other family members at home. Set the room to a comfortable temperature and take a shower if desired.
Another surprising thing about sensate focus is that it’s not supposed to be romantic. While most people will do this exercise in their bed with soft lighting, don’t light candles or play music. Doing those things will set an expectation that something sexual is about to happen, and sensate focus should be completely separate from sex. In fact, while it’s recommended that you and your partner be naked, you should each undress yourself and refrain from kissing or full body contact throughout the duration of the exercise. Trying to make something romantic creates pressure, and the purpose of this practice is to remove those performance expectations.
Phase One: Chest and Genitals Off-Limits
When you’re ready to begin the exercise, decide who will touch first, and from then on your communication should be mostly non-verbal. You can lie naked side by side, or whoever’s going to touch first can sit with their back supported by pillows against the headboard, while their partner sits between their legs with their back against the toucher’s chest. The toucher should begin touching anywhere on their partner’s body that is of interest to them, except for the partner’s chest or genitals, using their hands and fingers only (no lotions or oils). This is not meant to be pleasurable touch or massage - remember, touch for your own curiosity and interest. While touching, both the toucher and the person being touched should focus on the sensations of temperature, pressure, and texture. When distractions arise, notice them and gently direct your attention back to temperature, pressure, and texture. Once the first toucher is finished, swap roles and repeat the process.
If the person being touched finds any of the sensations uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking, they can do something called “hand-riding,” which involves placing their hand above or below the toucher’s hand and gently guiding them to a new area. The toucher then continues touching on their own. Hand-riding provides safety for the partner being touched and allows the toucher to touch with confidence because they can rest assured that their partner will let them know if the sensation becomes unpleasant. Since conversation should be kept to a minimum, if you need to change positions, use a single word like “change.” Either partner can say “switch” if they’re ready to swap who is touching or “stop” if either partner wants to stop the session.
It’s very important to note that arousal is not the goal of the exercise, but it is ok if it occurs. Simply notice the arousal and move on. If orgasm occurs, you may pause to quietly clean up if needed, but the session should resume without undue attention to the orgasm as any sort of goal or outcome. In sensate focus, nothing is good or bad, it just “is.” On that note, it’s very important that you do not have sex during or after sensate focus, because that starts to associate the exercise with additional pressures and expectations.
After the Session
Partners may cuddle once the session is over, but talking should still be kept to a minimum. If you do decide to reflect on the session together, you should focus on experiences rather than evaluations. For example, “I thought the session was good” is an evaluation and should be avoided, while “I noticed your back was warmer than your legs” is a sensory experience and may be shared. Time should be taken after each session to allow arousal to dissipate; however, if either person determines they need sexual release, they may stimulate to orgasm manually with or without the partner’s presence or involvement, depending on what the partner prefers. Sexual contact after the exercise, including oral sex, should be completely avoided.
Next Steps
Once you feel comfortable redirecting your attention back to sensations when distracted, you can move onto the next phase in the sequence, directing your attention to temperature, texture, and pressure each time. Continue to do the sessions 2-3 times per week, aiming to spend about a week on each phase (or more or less time depending on your comfort):
Chest and genitals on-limits
The same principles apply: touching should still be done one at a time, for curiosity and not for pleasure or arousal. Hand-ride your partner’s hand away if you get so aroused that it becomes distracting.
May add “positive” hand-riding, meaning that the person being touched may direct the toucher’s hand to a new area of interest, rather than just directing away from discomfort.
Sometime during this phase, it’s recommended to take a “clinical look” at one’s own genitals and your partner’s genitals if you haven’t before. Identify the different parts of your anatomy.
Mutual touching
Now you can touch simultaneously while lying next to each other or sitting facing each other, but you may also still have times where you alternate touching.
Positive hand-riding can be used to indicate where to touch, the degree of pressure, and the type of motion.
Genital touching without penetration
Continuing the skills from the other phases, you may now add the position of one partner on top of the other, engaging in genital touching without penetration.
Continue your attention to temperature, pressure, and texture. Orgasm is not the goal, and if it occurs the session may still continue.
Genital contact with insertion (if applicable)
Continue to begin each exercise with the skills you’ve learned in the other phases.
Add insertion: the receptive partner should be on top and should guide insertion slowly. Use pillows under the partner’s knees if needed for comfort.
Once inserted, stay very still without movement until arousal and engorgement diminish, paying attention to temperature, pressure, and texture.
Allowing engorgement to diminish naturally is particularly important for anyone with erectile concerns.
Insertion with movement (if applicable)
Continue to begin each exercise with the skills you’ve learned in the other phases.
This time you may add movement during penetration, continuing attention to temperature, pressure, and texture. Alternate between positions as desired.
Conclusion
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of this exercise and have taken a positive step to deepen your intimacy with your partner. If problems come up during sensate focus, consider that a success - you can now address that problem in this safe, low-pressure environment and can experience the benefits in other aspects of your life. However, if you find that relationship conflict gets in the way of completing the exercise, please seek out the help of a trusted therapist or coach. I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about sensate focus.
To schedule a coaching session with me, click here.