How to Tell a New Partner That You Have an STD
Welcome to the Sensate Health blog! While I am a physician, this blog is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or a doctor-patient relationship. Please see your healthcare provider for any medical concerns.
Becoming intimate with someone new is filled with uncertainty. From fears over whether there will be sexual compatibility to wondering how intimacy might change your existing relationship dynamic, the amount of vulnerability can feel overwhelming. And if you’re one of the many people living with a sexually transmitted infection like HPV, herpes, or HIV, any anxiety about seeing each other without clothes may pale in comparison to how exposed you feel when sharing your STI status. I would love to write a manifesto dismantling STI stigma (and maybe someday I will), but today I’m going to focus on the more practical matter of how you can navigate disclosing your STI to potential partners in a way that is empowering for both of you.
Telling your partner that you have an STI isn’t just important for giving them an opportunity to consent - it also promotes a culture of sex-positivity where we acknowledge and normalize how common and manageable STIs really are. Furthermore, just by disclosing your status, you could decrease your chance of transmitting the STI to them. One study found that disclosing a herpes diagnosis reduced the chance of transmission by about half. Of note, this article pertains to disclosing STIs that aren’t readily curable - if you have an STI that requires curative treatment such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, or syphilis, please don’t have sex until you and your partners get fully treated. HIV should also be treated immediately; check with your healthcare provider before resuming sexual activity, then follow the tips in this article to boost your disclosure confidence and comfort.
Before You Disclose: Self-Care
If your STI was recently diagnosed, it’s important to check in on how you feel before introducing someone else’s thoughts and feelings into the mix. Being told you have an STI can often involve a lot of emotions - grief over the loss of a time when sex felt more carefree, anger at the partner who transmitted the STI to you, guilt over what you might have done differently to avoid it, and fear over how this information will be received by future partners - just to name a few. While there’s no magical time where suddenly everything feels better and you’ve completely moved on, it can be useful to do some reflection ahead of time so that you approach your disclosure knowing exactly what you have to offer and what you deserve in return, rather than looking to your potential partner for validation and approval.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief can be a helpful framework for reflection, and you may find that it reminds you that your current feelings are likely temporary. The five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. You may not work through these stages in this order, you may jump around between them, or you may feel that you skipped some stages entirely. That’s all okay - this isn’t meant to be a formula that you have to follow; it’s more of a means of checking in with yourself and reflecting on where you are in this moment. Often we either feel so perpetually stuck in sadness that we’re unable to see a brighter future, or we feel so eager to “fix” things and move on that we push our emotions away. But grief requires time, and understanding this can help you treat yourself with compassion and patience the way you would if comforting a close friend.
Once you’ve spent some time processing your grief, it can also be helpful to challenge your negative thoughts. How would you feel if someone told you that you’re bad at flying? While you might be confused, this criticism likely wouldn’t offend you because it doesn’t trigger a pre-existing insecurity you have about yourself. Feeling rejected by someone is much more impactful if it confirms our own negative thoughts about ourselves, so it’s really helpful to build up your sense of self-worth before choosing to be vulnerable with others. In his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, psychiatrist David Burns details ten cognitive distortions that might be clouding your reality and leading you deeper into self-defeating narratives:
All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water.
Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.
Fortune teller error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other person’s imperfections)...
Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything... The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements towards others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to them…
Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.
When we’re overwhelmed with negativity, thoughts such as “no one will want to have sex with me because of my STI” may seem completely true, and you may take rejection from one partner as confirmation. But if you subject these thoughts to some critical thinking, you’ll likely find that they contain a degree of exaggeration that makes them inaccurate. You may choose to challenge and reframe these thoughts on your own, or you may prefer to work with a trusted therapist or coach. Dr. Burns recommends a “triple column technique” where you write your automatic negative thought on the left-hand side, write the type of cognitive distortion(s) from the list above in the middle column, and then write a more rational response on the right-hand side. A more accurate reframe of our example would be “some people may choose not to have sex with me because of my STI, but there are other people who would love to be intimate with me.” Being able to challenge negative self-talk is like a muscle - the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Disclosure Conversation
Now we’ll get into the details about how to actually initiate and navigate this conversation. I created the mnemonic “CARES” to help make the steps easier to remember. If you want to make sure you remember the self-work detailed above that should come before your disclosure conversation, you may choose to use the mnemonic “I CARES” because it helps emphasize that the process of disclosure begins with cultivating care for yourself. And if you’re a stickler for grammar like I am, the fact that “I CARES” is grammatically incorrect might actually make it more memorable.
Clothed and Sober
While there’s no single right time to have an STI conversation, folks generally agree that the time to disclose is when you’re both sober and before your clothes come off. Beyond that, the timing is up to you! Some people choose to disclose in their profile when using dating apps, and some might prefer to text for a period of time first to see if there’s mutual interest and then disclose via text or during a phone call. Others might choose to disclose on a first date while others prefer to wait until after a few dates, but don’t wait too long in order to be respectful of not only their time and energy but yours as well. There are pluses and minuses to each timeframe, so choose what feels best for you.
Ask and Answer
There’s no sugar-coating it - having this conversation might feel awkward sometimes, but I’m here to give you some tips to make it as smooth and comfortable as possible. Then it’s up to you to customize this process and make it your own. You might start by checking in about how the relationship is going: “I’m really enjoying getting to know you and am wondering how you’re feeling about our connection.” Get some feedback from your partner and then continue, “Before our relationship gets more intimate, I’d like to have a conversation about sexually transmitted infections. I was last tested two months ago for gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV, and those tests were all negative. When was your last STI screening?”
Starting this dialogue with a conversation about testing is a great way to get more information. First of all, your STI may increase your chances of contracting another STI, so this conversation is just as much about protecting yourself as it is about protecting them. You want to make sure your partner is committed to healthy sexual practices if they’re going to be worthy of your time and trust. Furthermore, their response will give you insight into their sexual health knowledge and help you determine if you’re comfortable moving forward with disclosure. For example, someone who says “I’ve never been tested for STDs because I only sleep with people who are clean” may not have the sexual health knowledge to provide a safe and supportive space for disclosure, so you might prefer not to move forward with that person.
Once you’ve discussed recent testing and determined that your partner is informed and responsible about their sexual health, share your diagnosis and create space for questions. I recommend doing this in a matter-of-fact way, without apologies or disclaimers like “I have some bad news.” While you can’t control your partner’s response, creating a calm energy when possible can help them feel more comfortable, but also be your authentic self and feel free to verbalize if you’re feeling anxious. You might continue this way: “Another reason sexual health is really important to me is because I have herpes type 2. I would love to answer any questions you have about that and talk about what safer sex could look like for us if we decide to become intimate.” If you’re feeling anxious about how this might play out, I highly recommend practicing with a friend to help build your confidence!
Respect Boundaries
Broadly, there are three categories of responses you might receive in response to telling someone you have an STI: okay, I need more information, and no. Someone might know their answer immediately, or they may need time to think about it, discuss it further with you, or do their own research. It’s also really important to be respectful of your own boundaries during this time. Think about how much you're willing to share about your own diagnosis, and don’t feel obligated to answer every question about your history if it feels too intrusive. As you share information, be mindful how long you’re willing to wait for a response - while it’s important to allow time, you’re also perfectly within your right to decline to move forward if someone is still unsure after days of research or if the conversations are becoming too uncomfortable or draining for you.
Perhaps the hardest and scariest part of this process is the possibility of hearing “no” in response. Some people choose to frame this as “rejection,” but someone’s comfort around their sexual practices has everything to do with their background, experiences, and comfort level and has nothing to do with your worth. It might seem like needless semantics, but remember our discussion earlier about the impact of negative thoughts. “Rejection” makes it about you; “no” makes it about them. Consent means an enthusiastic “yes” from both of you, and you deserve no less than that. While it may seem trite, be thankful that your partner was honest with you and said no rather than moving forward with something that would have been uncomfortable for them (and by extension, uncomfortable for you too). Still, it is absolutely normal and healthy to feel sad after a relationship ends for any reason, so please take some time to acknowledge that and have compassion for yourself. If the grief turns into negative and distorted self-talk, please review the earlier section or seek help from a trusted professional.
Educational Resources
If someone is curious and wants more information, be ready to share your favorite resources. The CDC has information about many different STIs including fact sheets on HPV and herpes as well as a section of the site dedicated to HIV. You can also point them to other trustworthy online resources like *ahem* this blog. I have articles on everything you need to know about herpes and HPV that give a lot of detailed information on symptoms and diagnosis as well as how to reduce the chance of transmission. If you find that your partner is unable to get their questions answered through online resources, they can also schedule a consultation with a trusted professional. At the time of this writing, I offer free 15-minute coaching consultations which can be scheduled here.
Safer Sex
Offering to discuss safer sex shows that you are informed and committed to their protection, and using the “safer sex” term rather than “safe sex” acknowledges that there is still a small chance of STI transmission during sexual activity even with protective measures. That being said, most of these methods are highly effective. Here is a brief overview:
Vaccination
Condoms, dental dams
Symptom monitoring
Valacyclovir suppression
Condoms, dental dams
HIV
PrEP
Treatment as prevention (undetectable = untransmittable)
Condoms, dental dams
Once you and your partner decide on what protective steps you’d like to take, you can set these topics on a mental shelf and take them down again only when you feel the need to. One of the best things about disclosing your STI and allowing your partner to give informed consent is that they’re making their own decision about what they’re comfortable with. This means you don’t need to carry the burden of trying to make a decision on their behalf. You can express a willingness to revisit the conversation whenever necessary (and you may find that you and your partner’s comfort levels and needs change over time), but otherwise your STI doesn’t need to be a regular part of your sex life. While your partner’s comfort is certainly important, don’t forget that you should honor your own boundaries too. Even if your partner is comfortable having sex without condoms, if using condoms allows you to feel more fully present because you’re taking the protective measures that feel right for you, then by all means keep using condoms!
Conclusion
Disclosing an STI to a potential partner can be a daunting process, but with some preparation and practice, you can navigate these conversations with confidence. Be compassionate with yourself as you work through your feelings, and spend time intentionally investing in your own boundaries and sense of self-worth. While sex may not initially feel as carefree as it did before your diagnosis, you may find that some of these conversations lead to a deeper feeling of vulnerability and intimacy. If you are looking for additional support, as of this writing you can schedule a free coaching consultation with me here.
I have a related article about herpes, which you can find here.
My article about HPV can be found here.
Here’s a Recap of What We Discussed:
Before You Disclose: Self-Care - “I”
Process grief
Challenge cognitive distortions
Disclosure Conversation - “CARES”
Clothed and sober
Discuss sober and before clothes come off
Timing: dating profile, text/ phone call, first date, after several dates
Ask and answer
Start by discussing STI screening
Disclose calmly and unapologetically
Answer questions if they want more information
Respect boundaries
Allow time to decide
Know your own boundaries
“No” is not indicative of your worth
It is still healthy and normal to feel sad
Educational resources
Consultation with a healthcare provider
Safer sex
Mutually decide on protective measures
Set this topic on a mental shelf and revisit when you need to
To schedule a coaching session with me, click here.